How to freak out your host in 13 steps

Step 1: Wake up at 8:30 a.m. and realize that the 'small' leak you discovered in your car yesterday may not have been so small with the torrential down-pours that we've been having of late.

Step 2: Investigate the 'small' leak and discover that not only is your driver seat wet, but there is an INCH of standing water in the floor board. Yes, an inch.

Step 3: Momentarily loose your icy facade and grumble out demonic slurs upon the birds and squirrels within ear-shot.

Step 4: Investigate the leak further to discover that what attempts you have made to seal what -might- be a leaky spot has been completely ignored by the rain as though it were the Maginot Line.

Step 4.a.: Wonder if Saturn was invented by the French.

Step 4.b.: Scribble note to self, "Saturn. French? Dig!" in notebook.

Step 5: Check weather.com and discover waves and waves of rain clouds heading for your position.

Step 5.a.: Fully understand what it might feel like to be the commanding officer along the Maginot Line after the first wave of German soldiers have gotten past you and then find out that there are more coming.

Step 5.b: Consider your options and decide that rather than use a French answer to this problem, try Welsh.

Step 6: Realize that your car, though parked under a friend's deck, is also pointing nose-in to their garage.

Step 7: Decide that the best option is to simply remove yourself from the field of battle until you've properly prepared yourself. (And hope your hosts won't freak when you want to borrow their garage for the rest of your visit.)

Step 8: Investigate their basement.

Step 8.a: Realize that for the years that your hosts have lived in their house, you've never seen them use their garage as a container for anything other than boxes (both full and empty).

Step 9: Organize their basement / garage into a space that's large enough to accommodate your car.

Step 9.a.: Move piles and piles of card board bits thither and yon. (Can I use thither in a thentance?)

Step 9.b.: Discover lost pages for the Pilgrim's Journal in the piles of empty boxes that have been scattered about.

Step 9.c.: Fight overwhelming urge to tidy your host's garage / basement.

Step 9.d: Become stumped at the presence of a weight bench in their basement cocooned by box-debris.

Step 9.e.: Really fight the urge to tidy your host's garage / basement.

Step 9.f: Discover that the large lump under the pile of boxes is actually a couch. (so that's where that thing went.)

Step 9.g: Really, no kidding, fight the urge to tidy your host's garage / basement. (This is where I'm channeling my inner Welshman. Yes, I'm still Irish but I bare a striking behavioral resemblance to a certain Welshman named Ianto and we'll leave it at that.)

Step 9.g.1: Fight the urge to sing 'Captain Jack' by Billy Joel while writing this blog.

Step 10: Finish cleaning a space for your car and go back into your host's house to ask if you can do what you've been preparing to do for the past thirty minutes.

Step 11: Quietly creep up the stairs to their bedroom since they're still not moving this morning. (around 9:30 a.m. - which may be early for some people and especially if there's a baby involved.)

Step 12: Ask the question: "Can I borrow your garage for the rest of the day?"

Step 12.a: Wait for their sleep-induced, mental-lethargy to catch up with what you just asked.

Step 12.b: Explain the situation about your car and pause dramatically for appropriate snickers and repeats of "What? What?" from your half-asleep hosts.

Step 12.c: Wait for one of them to say, "It won't fit." and then explain that you've already made a spot for your car.

Step 13: Gratefully accept your host's permission to use their garage for a while and move your car out of the range of fire (or rain) that is headed your way.

Step 13.a: Wait for them to fully wake up and wonder if your asking to borrow their garage was actually a dream or something.

It Happened alright.

Well, It Happened.

Last night I went to see the movie "The Happening". I wasn't too sure how it would turn out and the only thing that I read about it was something close to "Nature Strikes Back". But, as it was an M. Night Shyamala(h)-ding-dong movie I was hoping that there would be his usual plot twist at the end like he's done with Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and The Village.

However, what I got was a whole lot of wasted time. The movie's plot was so completely out in left field that I was reeling from it within the first ten minutes. I tried to find some redeemable quality in the concept, but all I could see was a bunch of shock-based scenes intended to give the audience a scare in between their moments of confusion.

The filming of the movie was so terrible that you ACTUALLY see the boom mike coming down from the top of the screen to follow the various actors who are on camera. Now normally I would have chalked it up to a single mistake that they didn't catch in editing but this happens over and over again. It's so noticeable because the microphone has a big red line around the end so you can see it switching direction from one actor and then to the other.

Normally, in disaster movies such as this, the audience can become involved in the movie by watching the characters figure out the 'rules' to the disaster. Either it's something as simple as: "Get out of the city" or "Stay in the light." But this movie's plot is so far out there that there isn't really a 'rule' that you can hold onto. Anything and everything that is green wants to kill you. The end.

So, there's about two hours of my life that I will not be getting back.

Grade: F

Flying a Kite

On June 15, 1752, Franklin successfully drew an electric charge from a rain cloud using a key tied to a kite.

Franklin a truly interesting person. His inventions and ideas on politics and technology were, in some ways, revolutionary; literally.

I wanted to blog about something this morning and found that I was more interested in a kite than the actual holiday celebrated today. The accomplishments of a man flying a kite with a brass key during a storm is more interesting, to me, than a holiday celebrating a figure that I've never known.

Similar to discussions about mysteriously ephemeral figures and prophets, I have heard my friends relate their thoughts on the matter and regail me with all of the stories associated with their childhood, but in the end I am left ignorant.

Perhaps my lack of faith in the figure celebrated today is connected to the lack of faith in the figure celebrated in late December and again with the first days of spring.

So, today, as families gather and phone calls are made back and forth - I will think of a man on a hill with a kite and a key.

At least -he- kept a notebook. :)

-Me

Sitting in a pool of gasoline...

... and that was only the beginning of my day.

In response to a trouble call from my grandfather, I ended up running out to give his van a jump. He couldn't get it started even with a jump so he had to call a tow-truck. He said that he didn't need my help beyond that so I came back home.

At this point, I hadn't even grabbed a shower yet. Before I could get one toe wet, my grandfather called again and asked for an extra pair of hands. I should know better, but he's my last grandparent so I threw my clothes back on and headed back over.

Within ten minutes, we discovered that his fuel line had a crack in it and I was sitting in a pool of gasoline while it drained into buckets. This then progressed into cutting the rusted section out of the gas line and replacing it with high-pressure hose.

I've found out
a) My Gerber pocket knife can cut through high-pressure hose like it's butter.
b) Gasoline is not shampoo.
c) Even with an electrician, an auto mechanic, a carpenter and a few plumbers in the family I am -STILL- no where near mechanically inclined.


So I'm going to jump in the shower - there's been no follow-up calls for 10 minutes. I think it's safe.

Later.

-Tom

I went to the Hospital today...

And for all of you who were only skimming the blog for a title, hah!

Today I rode over to the local Hospital with Josh. It's about a 3 mile round trip so it was a little further than I was used to riding, but it was a good ride.

The seat has been fixed and the handle bars have been raised so I'm not hunched over so much and having problems with my 'sitting bones'.

Riding has become something that I do now each day to build up my endurance and shred some calories. This is also, unfortunately, giving me more sun than I'm used to so I'm also enjoying a the pleasure of some Advil before I head out.

Glasses of Iced Tea: Lots
Bottles of Diet Pepsi: None
Cravings for cookies, pizza and diet pepsi: incalculable.
Number of days I've saved gasoline: 4
Number of house projects conceptualized: 13
Number of house projects I can afford: (tba)

Owie

Miles Ridden: 2
Money spent: too much
Lessons learned about bike seats: 1, Owie.
# of 'Pain in the ass' jokes: 47

Rather than being stuck at home all the time because gas prices are just too high for luxury driving, I opted to invest a few bucks into something that I hope will pay me back two fold.

Yesterday, I went out to the store and picked up the cheapest bike possible as a means to hopefully save a few bucks in gas and, more importantly, get more exercise into my weekly schedule. The bike was only $70 dollars but once you factor in the other little bits that are needed to do any kind of riding, it did start to add up.

Bike Lock, $10.
Air Pump, $10
Seat Cover $15

Speaking of the seat cover, let's just go back to how I enjoyed my first, two-mile ride yesterday.

When we got the bikes, both Josh and I got locks but I picked up the air pump, figuring that the tires would need to be pumped up before we could ride, and he got a gel seat. At the time, I didn't think that the cover was necessary.

Riding after almost twenty years was a lesson in just how much I'm out of shape as well as how the construction of something as forgetful as a bike seat can cause you more than a little pain. Josh and I immediately wanted to ride over to the cemetery and back; approximately a two mile round trip. I realized about half way into the trip that my ass was hurting more than my legs. I assumed that my legs would burn because I haven't used them for that kind of work out in a while. This was a different kind of pain.

Now, not to get weird but I think that this pain stemmed from the fact that I don't have much of an ass; well, at least not now. After sitting on the bike seat for a quarter mile, I realized that somehow my pelvis (specifically, the ischia are your sitting bones. They carry all your weight when you sit down.) was not cushioned at all and I was actually getting bruises. By the time we got to the cemetery, I was almost standing up on the pedals to avoid from sitting on the seat.

So when we got home yesterday, I was in more than a little pain and my legs were alternately going numb because of the shooting pains down from my ass. We got into the house and I immediately crashed on the couch in a drip of sweat.

Riding is going to be a fun activity, but the seat is a joke. If I wanted to have a pain in my ass all summer... (yea, you can take it from there).

So now I'm nursing my bruises and waiting to wake up a little more before I head back up to Walmart.

Owie.

-T

OMG! WTF? GAS $$$ UGH.

Ok,

So I have been talking about getting a bike to ride around town this summer (and beyond) because of the rising gas prices. A few days ago I had to put some gas in my car to keep it running and it cost me $16.00 for a QUARTER tank; roughly 4 gallons. I have a small, four-cylinder car so it normally doesn't take that much to fill it up. I haven't FILLED my gas tank in months.

I have gotten into the habit of walking down to the store for groceries or odds and ends rather than jumping in the car to conserve on gas. Today, as a matter of example, I went down to the store to get a few things on foot. Josh and I then went down to campus in the car because he had to pick up a few boxes of stuff from this past quarter that would have just been too hard to carry. When we got back we walked across town to the movies; again, to conserve gas - and to preemptively burn off the calories of dinner.

On the way back from the movies we got picked up by my pal Jim to go out to the lake with his dog, Jake. It was a great time to go hang out and stuff but here's where things get interesting.

Once we were back into town, the price of gas had shot up to $4.20 a gallon for the cheap gas. When we drove down to campus around 1 p.m. it was still $3.99. I was hoping that it would stay just under four dollars for Memorial Day. I guess I was completely wrong. The oil companies knew that Memorial day would be a big travel weekend, even if it's just out to some local park for a BBQ, and are grabbing up as much money as they can.

Something also to consider, the Economic Stimulus checks that everyone is getting to help boost the economy is probably going to go directly into everyone's gas tank.

Ugh.

-T

Fluffy Muffin Taters

Must


Not


Kill.


The coffee house has been besieged by a middle-school, girls, soccer team.

My monastic mental discipline has allowed me to fend off the Urukai-like assaults to my senses, but the sheer vacuum of cogent thought is starting to suck my mind out through my right ear.

I am not sure what they're talking about, but the few syllables that break through my rapidly failing shields have formed the phrase:

Fluffy....Muffin....Taters.

I'm afraid.

-T

Denison-Trip

I'm sitting in a very nice coffee house in Granville, Ohio near Denison University. Jim and I drove up at o'dark-thirty this morning for a meeting.

The coffee house is not what one would imagine as being a traditional caffeine den as it's built within a beautiful house on a road near the river. Aptly named, it is called the River Road Coffee House.

Within five minutes of stepping through the doors I am immediately filled with sense of both longing and disappointment. I would love for Portsmouth to have such a coffee house near campus - but I don't think it will happen for several more years if at all. This place, the River Road, has a very warm and inviting atmosphere. It encourages people to spend a few hours and relax. Just from where I'm sitting, there are tables full of laptops and text books and students / professors a plenty.

Ahh... Academia.

Feels like home.

More later.
-Tom

Ancient Curse

Well, that's what it feels like sometimes.

I had plans to work in my backyard since before Finals Week. I need to haul all of the sandstone blocks that once made a retaining wall out from behind the car port and use them elsewhere.

However, since I made arrangements to borrow tools and set aside time to work on this phase in the project, it has decided to rain. Not -just- rain, but down pour. The temperature has dropped and it's stayed cool and wet which has mostly removed the idea of yard work.

One of these days I'm going to swear that my fate is the result of an Ancient Curse.

And one of these days I'll be right.

-T

Chai Goodness

So..

This morning I had to crawl out of bed early to take my cat, Cinder, to the Vet to have her fixed. I was not going to go through another Heat or another batch of kittens with her. So I was up at the crack of dawn (7:30 a.m.) to begin the cat-wrangling.

Thankfully, she often sleeps at the foot of my bed so she was easy to catch. I snuck up to her and offered her a head-scratch before I figuratively threw a black bag over her tiny head and stuffed her into the box. Well, that's what you would have thought by the noise she was making. While she yowled in her cat-crate, I tried to get myself together and get going.

Here's the interesting part:

My roommate Josh is heading to Yellowstone National Park for two weeks for a school trip. He leaves today sometime in the afternoon. They are going to drive straight through and switch out drivers as necessary. Since he's going to be one of the drivers, he stayed up late last night so that he would sleep in today. I, foolishly, stayed up with him - to a point.

With yowling cat-crate in hand, I stumbled out of the house and immediately remembered that I needed to get gas. Gas here is up to 3.79 a gallon. So while I'm not-filling up my tank, everyone around me hears the painful yowl of my cat in the carrier.

I get a few strange looks (she was yelling so loudly that she could be heard through closed car doors), but eventually got back on the road.

Dropping the cat off was much like going to a doctor's office. They ushered me into a small waiting room and asked me about this and that for the procedure.

They offered meds for the cat. They offered shots, and boosters and a number of other services even though I told them I was just there to get her fixed. The vet-tech was nice and personable but really was pushing their other services and I was only half awake so I numbly sat through her recitation of how many flavors of topical antibiotic they had. (I think she said flavors)

I just kept repeating "Just fix her..."

Once that bit of joy was finished, I was on my way back home and remembered that, as it was Friday, I was going to run by and grab some chai for my mother and I. There's only one place in Portsmouth that serves Chai - Hatti Beasleys. They're really attempting to make their shop work, but I think that it would have a better market if it was closer to the University. Right now, their only real market is the nearby Hospital and all of the "Tomb Walkers" who walk around Green Lawn Cemetery around dusk.

Well, now I'm home and I'm out on the front porch so I don't wake up Josh.

Finals are over.

I have Chai.

I'm on my laptop.

Life is sometimes not so bad.
-T

My first morning

So I was hoping to sleep in a little today, as it's my first day off, and enjoy a lazy morning.

Well, that didn't happen.

My bathroom sink has not been draining well of late and I had it on my list (actually #11) for things to tackle. This morning I hear my roommate, Josh, tell me - "Dude, the sink doesn't work".

This is Josh-speak for:

"Thomas, I believe that the drain is clogged and you may need to have it fixed more quickly than anticipated."

So I crawled out of bed and grabbed my tools and went to the basement.

I SO need a tool belt.

The problem wasn't in the main drain it was at the sink.

Now let me paint you a picture of my skill with plumbing. I have none. So I took the sink apart (yes, the whole sink) and took the various parts out to the driveway to spray it out with my garden hose. Once things were cleaned out, I put it back together (and surprisingly had no spare parts) and it works fine now.

After some breakfast, I'm going to head into my next project: Beating my driveway with a sledge hammer. It's been quite uppity lately and needs to be taught a lesson.

Later. :)

-Tom

p.s. yes, that image of the plumber's crack will haunt you for the next 30 minutes.