How to freak out your host in 13 steps

Step 1: Wake up at 8:30 a.m. and realize that the 'small' leak you discovered in your car yesterday may not have been so small with the torrential down-pours that we've been having of late.

Step 2: Investigate the 'small' leak and discover that not only is your driver seat wet, but there is an INCH of standing water in the floor board. Yes, an inch.

Step 3: Momentarily loose your icy facade and grumble out demonic slurs upon the birds and squirrels within ear-shot.

Step 4: Investigate the leak further to discover that what attempts you have made to seal what -might- be a leaky spot has been completely ignored by the rain as though it were the Maginot Line.

Step 4.a.: Wonder if Saturn was invented by the French.

Step 4.b.: Scribble note to self, "Saturn. French? Dig!" in notebook.

Step 5: Check weather.com and discover waves and waves of rain clouds heading for your position.

Step 5.a.: Fully understand what it might feel like to be the commanding officer along the Maginot Line after the first wave of German soldiers have gotten past you and then find out that there are more coming.

Step 5.b: Consider your options and decide that rather than use a French answer to this problem, try Welsh.

Step 6: Realize that your car, though parked under a friend's deck, is also pointing nose-in to their garage.

Step 7: Decide that the best option is to simply remove yourself from the field of battle until you've properly prepared yourself. (And hope your hosts won't freak when you want to borrow their garage for the rest of your visit.)

Step 8: Investigate their basement.

Step 8.a: Realize that for the years that your hosts have lived in their house, you've never seen them use their garage as a container for anything other than boxes (both full and empty).

Step 9: Organize their basement / garage into a space that's large enough to accommodate your car.

Step 9.a.: Move piles and piles of card board bits thither and yon. (Can I use thither in a thentance?)

Step 9.b.: Discover lost pages for the Pilgrim's Journal in the piles of empty boxes that have been scattered about.

Step 9.c.: Fight overwhelming urge to tidy your host's garage / basement.

Step 9.d: Become stumped at the presence of a weight bench in their basement cocooned by box-debris.

Step 9.e.: Really fight the urge to tidy your host's garage / basement.

Step 9.f: Discover that the large lump under the pile of boxes is actually a couch. (so that's where that thing went.)

Step 9.g: Really, no kidding, fight the urge to tidy your host's garage / basement. (This is where I'm channeling my inner Welshman. Yes, I'm still Irish but I bare a striking behavioral resemblance to a certain Welshman named Ianto and we'll leave it at that.)

Step 9.g.1: Fight the urge to sing 'Captain Jack' by Billy Joel while writing this blog.

Step 10: Finish cleaning a space for your car and go back into your host's house to ask if you can do what you've been preparing to do for the past thirty minutes.

Step 11: Quietly creep up the stairs to their bedroom since they're still not moving this morning. (around 9:30 a.m. - which may be early for some people and especially if there's a baby involved.)

Step 12: Ask the question: "Can I borrow your garage for the rest of the day?"

Step 12.a: Wait for their sleep-induced, mental-lethargy to catch up with what you just asked.

Step 12.b: Explain the situation about your car and pause dramatically for appropriate snickers and repeats of "What? What?" from your half-asleep hosts.

Step 12.c: Wait for one of them to say, "It won't fit." and then explain that you've already made a spot for your car.

Step 13: Gratefully accept your host's permission to use their garage for a while and move your car out of the range of fire (or rain) that is headed your way.

Step 13.a: Wait for them to fully wake up and wonder if your asking to borrow their garage was actually a dream or something.